` Wednesday, November 16, 2005
What's in me?
Confusion.. I duno what decision to make.
Any of the decision made brings nothing to me but pain..
I got no choice but to make a choice.
Choice 1 - Pain for now, struggling to lead a normal life but clearer future..
Choice 2 - Enjoy for now, having pain in between times, but future is unknown to me..
Currently, I'm leading a life like choice 1.. Having horrible pain in me, struggling to control my emotions,
trying to make my mind free from thinking, making life miserable yet seeing a clearer future of mine.
I'm in so much agony yet no one can share my sorrows. Even, in my slp, i couldn't find peace in myself.
Maybe the reality is so cruel to me. I'm trying to lead the life in search for my TRUE joy and laughter but
it's still far beyond my reach. For example, I'm currently in stage 2-3 where my aim is like stage 50. I really
couldn't find any support to lift me to a high stage but to depend on myself to level up. The pain I'm enduring
is so excruciating, just like my heart is being peirced through by a sharp razor dagger..
Deceit.. The only one who is true to me and will nv turn its back on me i guess is my mother.. Or even maybe
It's my cats.. When i need help, the person who always say he/she will be there willl always seems so away
from me. I just duno y.. maybe theaven is making a joke out of me.. This always happens.. I wish to find my
happiness.. my smile, my laughter, the old me.. I seems to lose them all.. I duno even noe if i'm reli happy with
my current me.. I dun seems to be able to understand myself anymore. I noe what is to do and what is not to do
but just why.. why can't i listen to the rational me? Why does my heart always win over my mind? Sometimes,
i wonder if i can really be firm in my decision which my mind has made, i won't suffer so much pain, agony and
sadness in me. It's my heart that is always making the wrong decision yet the person who suffered most is me and
my heart. Maybe, If i can be more cruel and heartless, my life will be so much happier unlike now.. Suffering in silence
yet if anyone noes, they wun pity me yet ridicule me for my stupidity. Ha.. Yes, I'm stupid, i'm silly or whatever
you pple can say about me, but if you are in my state, i bet you wun be laughing at all. Love bring pains.. Loads of pain.
Sinking real deep in love till letting go is worse than taking away my life. When can i reli learn to love myself and stop
hurting myself. Memories is always that beautiful. why cant our life live in the world of memories? why is reality always so
different from my version of it? When can i ever find peace in me? Who can help me?
I'm trying to avoid choice 2 because choice 1 will keep on repeating itself.. I want to cry, my heart told me so.. but why ain't
i crying den. why am i always holding back my tears? Well, even if i cry, I will never be able to lessen my pain because after
the tears is a pair of despise eyes on me. Tear, cry makes me look even worst in the person's eyes. A weakling.. Ha.. it
seems so funny, cry give pple sense of pity yet my cry give pple sense of despise. Cry is always wrong.. Everything i do is wrong.
I nv able to make the right choice before. I'm such a loser. a pathetic fool. But, who cares? who cares about how the hell will i feel?
No one but just me, myself and I.
P.S. Please dun try to console me or anything because.. I dun need your sympathy nor your care.
All i want now, is a be able to find peace in me and forget about my unwanted feelings..
Pardon my words but please dun bother to tag me anything because it doesn't help but to bring me
more painss..
Date: 16 Nov 2005
Time: 17:46 h
signing.off -[N]a.*- ナディア